Listen for your own voice in silence.

A recurring prompt for me, over the years, has been to explore, and most of all, to trust my own inner life, and to have the courage to face it without escaping into numbing distractions.

Who am I in silence? What wants to be born? What needs to be said? What surfaces when uncensored? What emerges if given time? 

To admit how much time I spend scrolling through Instagram in awe over other people's art and poetry is embarrassing. I have countless notebooks filled with other people's words. Now I want to find my own voice, my own poetry and art. I want to finally remain quiet long enough to hear the voice of my own soul. 

As I was thinking and journaling about all this, through some magical synchronicity, I came across an old interview of poet David Whyte by Krista Tippet on NPR's OnBeing. Here's the excerpt that most spoke to me: 

"The deeper discipline of poetry is overhearing yourself saying things you didn't want to know about the world and something that actually emancipates you from the smaller self out into this larger dispensation that you actually didn't think you deserved. And so, one of the things we're most afraid of in silence, is the death of the periphery, the outside concerns. The place where you've been building your personality and where you think you've been building who you are starts to atomize and fall apart, and it's one of the basic reasons why we find it difficult even just to turn the radio off, or television, or not to look at our gadgets - it's that giving over to something that's going to actually seem as if it's undermining you to begin with and lead to your demise. And the intuition, unfortunately, is correct, you are heading towards your demise but it's leading towards this richer, deeper place that doesn't get corroborated very much in our everyday outer world." -

Perhaps those words are even more pertinent on this day of the Autumn equinox as we head into fall and into fallow times which can become a time for introspection and contemplation. 

On Writing

 A few months ago I wrote about my commitment to my writing; I decided I would write every day. After having read If You Want To Write by Brenda Ueland, I would like to add a few more thoughts on the subject.

One thing, from the book, that struck a chord with me, is the idea that creative expression can never be forced. Will power alone will not make good writing. 

Committing to writing every day will certainly help to develop skill. We learn by doing it. When we first pump water from a well, it’s often rusty, but if we keep pumping, the water will come clear. Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing, and you will get to a depth within you where poems or stories are longing to be written. So yes, there is certainly a time and place for “willing” (v.).

But, and here it is; the writing life also includes hours and hours of not-writing; times of, as Ueland puts it, “moodling around”, puttering, staring out the window, or meandering aimlessly, when our imagination and our ideas percolate and mature. “Imagination works quietly and slowly” - B.U.

We can make ourselves sit down and work; we can prepare an environment for creating. We can “will” ourselves to persevere when we feel stuck - all that - but we cannot “will” truly good work into existence.

It’ll bloom when it’s good and ready. Not sooner, and as author and poet Mark Nepo calls it “far beyond our willful wanting”. 

You may have labored for hours on a piece and nothing flowed; the writing felt dead, and you may be seconds away from tossing the whole damn thing in the trash, only to have the entire poem just pop into your head a few hours, or days, later, while doing the dishes or walking the dog, (or petting the cat in my case).

Willing can also be useful to discern between creative “moodling around” and when we’re just avoiding work. 

Another thing Ueland emphasizes in her book, is the importance of authenticity. Work that has the underlying motive to impress, or be profitable, or trendy etc. will often feel inauthentic, or even dead, to the reader. 

Elizabeth Gadd (@elizabethgadd), an amazing photographer, (look her up on Instagram and YouTube) talks about “comparison mind games” that often has a paralyzing effect on us. We may feel like impostors, or not good enough. When we try to be like this poet or that, this artist or that, we lose our own authentic voice and expression.

At those times, when you have no idea what to write; when you feel stuck, or paralyzed, one way of coming alive again is to write about exactly that; describe what “stuck” feels like and looks like, does it have a color? Where in your body do you feel it? Does it have weight? Keep writing, and be as authentic, raw, real, and truthful as you can, and you will soon find your confidence, your voice, your life, again. 

Photo by Florian Klauer, courtesy by Unsplash

Create something!

Philosopher/writer Alan Watts, when asked for advice on writing, responded, “Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.”

This applies to every kind of creative endeavor. We often don’t create at all because we overthink, over-analyze, doubt, scrutinize, pick apart and reject seeds of creative ideas even before they have been put into the ground and given a chance to grow and become something.

Just start. And then keep at it. If you don’t start, nothing can develop. Nothing can grow. We scroll through Instagram and see the awesome work of other artists but what we don’t often see are the trials and errors, mistakes and failures that were also part of every artist’s learning process along with the beautiful and accomplished work we see displayed. 

So, just start. Don’t censor at first. Just let whatever flows, flow. (You can always go back later to edit, tighten, refine and improve.) Don’t worry whether it’s going to turn out “good”. Explore, discover, loosen up, be surprised, listen to what wants to come forth and let go. Practice, practice, practice. Learn by doing. Make a 100 sketches. 

Make a commitment to draw/paint/write/create one thing every single day for a month. And don’t show it to anyone. Don’t ask, “will it sell?”, or “will people like it?” Just dig deeper and deeper into what needs to be created, what longs to be born. Be as profligate as nature; a frog lays millions of eggs, but only a few dozen of them become tadpoles and even less become frogs.

I’m telling you this, but please know that I’m mostly telling myself all this. All the time. Constantly. I have written many posts, here on my blog and on facebook, about similar themes, and I know I run the risk of being repetitive, but for me personally, I need to keep reminding myself over and over.

Photo by Erzsébet Vehofsics courtesy of Unsplash

On Trusting the Creative Process

Trust that even the tiniest step in the direction of your dreams will be worth it. Trust when you don't yet see anything that even remotely resembles a result. Appreciate and treasure the minutest movement. Even one little step can snowball into bigger things. Every step creates a momentum that will give you the strength to take another step. Never discard small efforts. They count. They matter.

When your dream seems big and overwhelming, simply start with what's in front of you right now. This will lead you to the next small step, and then the next. Don't focus on the result because if it seems too momentous, you won't start at all. And even when you're not sure that your dream is THE dream, pursue it anyway. You never know what it may lead to. It's like using a GPS. Unless you start driving, the GPS cannot guide you. Just start, anywhere. You can always recalculate. 

Don't worry too much about the future. Love the moment you're in right now. Take what you've been given and work with that to its fullest extent. This will open doors to new possibilities and new ideas. Trust incremental steps. Don't over-think it. Just start. Create. Play. Experiment. Create quantity! Don't worry about the result. Make 10 crappy pieces, if that's what it takes, and perhaps number 11 will be a masterpiece. Get out of your head. Get into the nitty-gritty of creation. The creative process is never neat and tidy. It's messy. Accept it and free yourself from rigid expectations.

Relax and work with what you have. Don't worry about choosing one, and one only, end goal.  It doesn't matter. What you do right now will lead to other things. What you do right now becomes the bridge, the connection, to the future and things will unfold organically, petal by petal. The butterfly will emerge. Complete that which you are working on right now and don't distract yourself with doubts about whether it is the right choice. Just go as far as you can see; when you get there you’ll see further.